I’ve always listened to stories about God’s provision for people with skepticism and jealousy. “Sure, God wants YOU to get a check in the mail, but what do I get?” I’m a real brat, I tell you. “Sure, he heals that, and gives you this, but He never does what I want him to do.”
Well, today, I went grocery shopping, and after almost 2 hours of careful shopping for the whole month, I was very glad and proud to be nearly $40 under budget. Then I swiped my card and was informed I did not receive the money I was expecting to have received for groceries. Of course I was afraid this might happen – I’m afraid of most things that could ever happen. I left my groceries, drove away wondering what I would eat for the next week at least, and my friend “Panic” wasn’t where I expected him. I couldn’t find him. I found “Disappointment,” but I felt the solidarity of the Food4Less target population. I said to myself, “what I have just experienced has been experienced by a far larger population than would be willing to own up to it. I am not alone. This is not new. God will take care of me.
Now, I said the words, “God will take care of me,” somewhat absentmindedly, as I do when I state a fact that I’ve just remembered when I didn’t intend to recall it. You know what I mean – when you want to remember something, you try and try and can’t, and then days later, at Target or something, you just sort of mutter the answer to yourself… it was interesting. I found my present-self pushing back with doubt dripping in sass. But I still couldn’t locate an ounce of panic that I would go hungry – maybe just because I don’t know what that’s like.
I’m still learning to differentiate between shame and embarrassment. My recent word has been “inadequate.” I think that’s still associated with the shame that says I AM bad – I am inadequate. There’s something shameful for me about asking for basic needs like food, bus money, or khaki pants, that isn’t there when I ask for things that aren’t vital to my survival. It could be another matter of lack of familiarity. I’ve spent my life asking for things I thought would improve my life that I didn’t really, truly need. My needs (food, transportation, clothing, etc) have always been met with relative ease.
Therefore, as I was on the phone with my dad, stalling from the conversation which is, to me, about my own inadequacy, I decided to open the mail I’d been avoiding. Do you know what I found? I received a check in the mail a month ago, and it’s the exact amount I need to get by. I can even buy toilet paper and do laundry.
My life is really hard for me right now – I’m not going to lie. However, I have no regrets, and I wouldn’t wave my magic wand if I had one. I’m getting so strong. I am Marcel anymore