I was surprised to discover, upon having started this blog last year, that I didn’t actually want people to have that much information about me. I was on such a complicated grid.
I’m not going to say too terribly much right now, I think, but I realized the other night that I am gridless. I’m off of every grid I’ve ever been on, as far as I can tell. I’m boldly treading on unexplored Allysonia ground, on a path to self-discovery, spiritual enlightenment, self-actualization, etc. At least, I think that’s where I’m going.
Right now, I only want to say this: Tonight, I sat on a beach in Santa Monica, and as I watched the waves appearing and disappearing out of the darkness and back into it, I grieved for all the lives I have lived and lost. I especially grieved for the east coast, which I have just returned from. I went there because I was homesick, and I came back because I was homesick.
Homesickness has followed and haunted me since I was very young. I don’t fully understand what, why, or how; but I have a hunch that I’m homesick for myself. My heart has been in the habit of setting up camp in other people, but I think I’m learning how to set up camp on myself. I hope I am. I’m trying to.